In case you haven’t heard, the world is going to end in about 2 years and 10 months. No, I’m not psychic; I’ve simply bought into the Mayan calendar conspiracy scare-a-thon. Apparently, the Mayans had a long-term calendar that spanned thousands and thousands of years (remember, the Mayan civilization existed from 2000 BC to about 250 AD) which suddenly stops on December 21st 2012. Many people believe that this indicates a prediction of the Mayan’s that the world will end on that date.
To be honest with you, I was pretty relieved to hear this because it means that my to-do list just got a ton shorter. After all, if I’m not going to be here in two years then there are a lot of things that I no longer need to do. Things like:
1. Save for Retirement: Pffft—retirement? Ha! No such thing. Unless you are retirement age this year or next you are not going to see your golden years so why set aside money for them?
2. Pay off Credit Cards: Yeah right, keep dreaming MasterCard. Why pay off your credit cards? Just turn the ringer off on your phone and avoid the collections calls for a couple short years and you are in the clear. You won’t be here to enjoy it, but still… in the clear.
3. Lose Weight: Ugh, you probably didn’t want to put all that work into losing weight anyhow and now you have a convenient excuse not to. You’ve only got two more years to indulge in donuts, pizza, calzones, steak and Little Debbie snacks—don’t waste that time chomping on celery and counting calories.
4. Finish College: You might as well drop out of college now. Even if you finish your degree you aren’t going to have time to land a sweet job with it. Instead, just hang out near the frat houses and enjoy all the partying.
5. Call the Parents: Phone calls with your parents are probably filled with some of these traditional sound clips: “When are you going to settle down and get a real job?” “How come you never some to see me?” “I wish you were never born.” All that parent-induced drama might as well go ahead and stop because, really, do you want to spend the last years of your life feeling guilty and inadequate? Exactly—so stop calling them.
6. Take Life-Saving Medication: All prescription medications have side effects like drowsiness, low sexual desire, and blurred vision that will seriously ruin your last two years on Earth. If you’ve been taking medication to stave off heart disease, type 2 diabetes or some other illness then you might as well stop now. After all, don’t you want to live your life to its wide awake, sexually active fullest for the next two years?
7. Budget: Spend your money how you want over the next two years. You’ve got no one to leave it behind for since the world is going to end.
8. Start a Family: Why get married and have kids just to see your happy family unit torn asunder in December 2012? Instead, stay single and live it up!
9. Go to the Dentist: What’s a little plaque build-up when the world’s about to end? Puh-leeze. You could even ignore your cavities; Orajel ought to hold you over.
10. Change the Car’s Oil: Car maintenance is boring and it takes your money. Your car will make it a couple of years without any maintenance and if it doesn’t, just get a new one—it’s not like you’ll have to make payments for very long.
11. Update Your Resume: Yeah right, like you are going to start a new career now. The world is about to end, party on!
12. Buy an iPad: The iPad doesn’t do anything that an iPhone doesn’t so it’s really nothing more than one of those humongous calculators they give to the elderly. You don’t need this tool even if the world isn’t ending.
*Please note, this post is intended to be satirical. Chances are good that the world is NOT going to end in a couple of years so don’t be a dork and actually bump these things off your to-do lists.
